C. For Courage

I've been trying to think of a really great opening sentence for this post for quite some time and in doing so, the blank page just keeps staring back at me. The truth is, I don't have a great opening sentence. I have so many words; words that I can feel running through me at varying speeds and with varying levels of desire to find their way onto the page. 

So, instead of a great opening sentence, I'll settle for a truthful one: I'm back.

There are so many different reasons that I've been quiet for a while, but the only way that I can think to explain my absence is that life has been, for lack of a more eloquent term, ROUGH. Pretty rough, actually. But, as my grandfather would say, I'm plodding along. And, magically, I've found my way back to my bench and closer to feeling like me. 

I've learnt recently that self compassion is a thing. Like an actual thing. It had never before occurred to me that I didn't have to listen to my inner critic quite so intently or act on any of the feelings or thoughts that she has. And she's a real piece, let me tell you! I guess for a while there that voice was the loudest. The one that told me I wasn't good at anything or destined for anything. I know, what does that even mean, anyway? After all, we create our own destinies. 

But the truth is, I thought that it had skipped me. You know, on the day that they gave out destinies, I mean. At times, it feels like everyone around me is so together, so in charge of their lives and certain. I realise now that very few people actually feel that way, but feelings can be so strong that they engulf you and feel like reality, can't they?

Anyway, for a while there, making was hard. After two babies, I'm not entirely sure I knew who I was. But in a weird way, they also made me know exactly who I was. Like some sort of muscle memory, I suddenly started feeling strongly about things. I didn't actually know I had many strong opinions before my little humans, to tell you the truth. 

I've spent a long time hiding. Hiding myself, or at the very least trying to camouflage myself so as to attract as little attention as possible to myself. And suddenly, I found myself with a four-year-old (going on fourteen, let me tell you!) and a two-year-old and wondering why I was hiding myself. 

Because for the very first time, I was seen. All of me. By eyes and opinions that have not yet been shaped by the world around them. When my kids look at me, they see me; really, truly me. They know when I'm okay and they know when I'm not; without me saying a single word. They hug me because they want to hug me; to feel my heart beating against theirs. 

And I realised that I was done with hiding. Or, at the very least, done with putting quite so much effort into it. 

I realised that the most courageous and meaningful thing that I could ever do, for me, and for my precious two, is to commit my efforts to a lifetime of being myself. Uniquely, beautifully and full of flaws. 

And just like that, I found my way back to my bench and back to my jewellery. And slowly, slowly, I'm finding my way to me. It turns out that that person is an ever-evolving work of progress. One who has seasons that she is proud of and ones that she'd rather not repeat. Seasons that are so good she'd watch them on repeat like she has every season of Friends. And slowly, ever so slowly, I'm becoming less afraid of looking back and starting to see that every chapter of this story, my story, has a purpose and a reason for being. 

And so, I'm back, friends. I've been working on a very small collection of one-of-a-kind pieces and I've decided to call them: C. For Courage. I hope that if you find a piece that you love, that she can serve as a daily reminder to you of the great courage that it takes to simply be yourself. Unapologetically and wholeheartedly. To not hide or camouflage yourself to make anyone else feel more comfortable. Because you deserve to be seen; to take space and to be heard. Oh, and you haven't missed your destiny - you're creating it. 

With all of my love, always,

Caitie x

Shop the C. For Courage one-of-a-kind collection here.